August 29, 2010

Having a bad day?
Did something bad happen to you? Someone hurt your feelings, offend you and made you feel vulnerable? Please do me a favor, get out of the past and back to the present. You might not realize it right away, but there is good news around the corner: the future is still under construction!

You now have two options: you can think of yourself as “poor-me”, reflect on how badly you were treated and focus on a brilliant revenge, or you can take what happened as a valuable learning lesson and that will bring you a giant step further to an independent, self-confident you.

Anger is like taking poison and waiting for the other person to die.
- Malachy McCourt

How can a painful situation be a learning lesson? Good question. By asking ourselves things like: “Who is angry now – is it me or my ego?” and “Why didn’t I see the warning signs?” or “What can I do to limit the damage?” The answers to these questions will help you find the reason behind and that will prevent similar situations to happen in the future. And since it’s impossible to change the past anyway, we may as well get rid of our regrets, turn toward the future and make it a positive one.

Are you dwelling in the past right now? Don’t! Looking ahead is much, much more interesting anyway.

August 22, 2010

Never wrestle with a pig!
We were at a dinner party when my neighbour suddenly turned to me and in a loud and angry voice commented about something I had said earlier. I got hot under the collar but resumed with my meal as if nothing had happened. Why was I able to diffuse this potentially tense situation? Because I remembered a quote that I had read a few days earlier. Here it is:

I learned a long time ago never to wrestle with a pig.
You get dirty and the pig likes it.
- Cyrus Ching

When someone is angry and tries to pick a fight with you, that is entirely his problem and you always have the choice to join the battle or to ignore it. If you refuse to fight, the other party has no chance and the provocation trap remains empty.

Instead, if someone is aggressively insulting you, take a few deep breaths (am I repeating myself?) and then tell the other party in plain language that you are ready to discuss the topic, but that you won’t be drawn into a fight. You may want to withdraw for a while in order to cool off and determine your strategy.

Are you about to fall into a provocation trap right now? Think of the quote above and that will put a smile on your face. And you can’t fight if you smile, right?

August 15, 2010

Surgery without anesthesia
Someone said something that makes your blood boil and you are just about to explode. STOP! There is danger in the air.

Before you reach your explosion point, take a few deep breaths and count to 20. This will protect you from going on autopilot and from doing and saying things that are as hurtful as the title of this Minute. Uncontrolled anger feeds the flames and as a conflict escalates, the fine and invisible line between factual thinking and emotional reaction is trespassed.

People that are enflamed with rage are blind and stupid because anger loots the
intelligence and their intellect is trapped in their own self-importance.
- Pietro Aretino

Let’s face it — anger is a fact of life. Our world is filled with violence. There is a lot of hatred, aggression, war, and revenge around us and we have no choice but to learn to live with it. But that doesn’t mean that we ever have to act in anger. Easier said than done. You are furious NOW, so what can you do about it?

My answer: get physical, but only with yourself. Do a primal scream, bang your fist on the table, or do whatever it takes to release your tension. Transform the rage into an activity that can calm you down, like running, powerwalking, or whatever form of physical activity you enjoy. The goal is to find your real self again.

Second step, but only if you are no longer steamed: spell it out. Talk to the person that made you angry and tell him in clear and non-aggressive words how they made you feel. This is a critical step and their reaction will reveal a lot about the other person.

Next time you are about to EXPLODE, take a deep breath!